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Local Man Falls Into Portal, Bangs Princess

Updated: Apr 15, 2021

When Jared Kent of Lucksbury, Missouri, told his Dnd friends that he had to go take a shit, the last thing he expected to find was a bathroom full of wild, tusked orcs.

Don’t you know how to knock?!

“It’s one of those things that you sometimes read about,” he told this intrepid reporter, “but you never expect it to happen to you.”

Sprinting to the living room and screaming for his friends, the assembled hearty crew grabbed up blades and axes from the racks upon racks of military grade weaponry Jared has collected over the years.


“Oh yeah, those? Had to live in a van for a few years to afford them but, in hindsight, totally worth it man.”

As they faced off with the brutish mob, Jared’s blade glowed and a massive fireball exploded in their midst, spraying the gamers with the blood of their enemies.

Best. Session. Ever!

“Yeah, that was sweet,” Barney Battista reminisced later. “But even sweeter was when the drop down menu appeared and we all got to choose classes and powers.”

After the party finished their creation process, a portal appeared beneath them, sending them all to a mystical faraway land with lots of crunch.

“Just numbers fricking everywhere, man,” Nolan griped, his ugly face all pouty and full of grease. “Why couldn’t it be like Narnia?”

Nolan is the worst

The party was reportedly told that they were the only ones who could save the land, and then they spent a decade battling evil before defeating the great Arch-Demon and freeing all from oppression. Then Jared got to bang the queen.

So beautiful!

“Yeah, it was sweet. I didn’t even have to shave my back.”

Reappearing in their home after it was all over, the group of friends found themselves back to their unaged original selves, lessons learned and all the wiser. This is Damien Hanson, reporting.

Thank you for reading!

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